For the past week or so, I've been thinking about a rough time I had a few years back. I think confession is good for the soul, and honestly, this period of time has been knocking around in my head for a while, so I'm thinking it is time I share about it. I'm praying that I don't sound too whiny and that you see this as what it is: a time in my life that I've learned from and I hope you can too.
It wasn't all that long ago. My first two babies were little, and I was overwhelmed. They are only 16 months apart, so everything felt crazy and new and like I wasn't doing anything right. I was tired. I was also faced with a lot of emotions that I couldn't really recognize and didn't really know how to process.
I am a surprise stay at home mom. When I was pregnant with our first baby, I was a full time teacher, and we assumed I would go back to work a few months after she was born. And then I got really super sick, and God intervened in a HUGE way and, suffice it to say, I am a stay at home mom. (Ok, that was a VERY abbreviated version of that story.....I might share more about that topic in another post, but right now, those are the details you need to know!)
I am a surprise stay at home mom. When I was pregnant with our first baby, I was a full time teacher, and we assumed I would go back to work a few months after she was born. And then I got really super sick, and God intervened in a HUGE way and, suffice it to say, I am a stay at home mom. (Ok, that was a VERY abbreviated version of that story.....I might share more about that topic in another post, but right now, those are the details you need to know!)
And I didn't know how hard it was going to be.
I didn't realize that I would be the one grocery shopping, so I could essentially buy whatever the heck I wanted to indulge on (in the SUV on the way home from the store, sometimes), and I didn't realize I could eat up a ton of stuff and no one would really know.
I didn't realize how much I would miss working, and I didn't realize how much guilt I carried for having those feelings. I didn't know how a person could be so grateful (to be alive, to be a mom, to be at home) and so lonely at the same time. I didn't know how much I would miss my co-workers.
I didn't realize how good hot, buttered white bread toast would taste when my kitchen was a mess and my baby wouldn't nurse well.
I didn't realize that the perfect farmhouse on 15 acres would feel like a jail some days.
I didn't know that having two babies who clung on me all the time would make me really yearn for company....from grown ups, who didn't spit up, and who wiped their own nether regions.
I didn't realize that Snickers really DO satisfy.....in a really awful, unfulfilling, short-term sort of way.
There were a lot of new things in my life then.....lots of transition and figuring things out. There was a lot of failure and tears. And the only way I dealt with it was FOOD.
Food was my friend when I needed someone to talk to.
Food was the peace and quiet when everyone was crying for me.
Food was the steady in my new world.
Food was entertaining when laundry and dishes were boring.
Food tasted good.
Food was also my enemy. My kids were allergic to almost everything then, and I had to be so nit-picky careful about what they ate and who got what plates and who had the rice milk and how to plan a menu when everyone (but me) was allergic to all these random things. I was constantly having to think about food, as part of my "job" of mothering. I couldn't ignore it....they needed me to be on top of it. But thinking about there food led me to thinking about my food.....mmm, what would I eat next?!
And I indulged and ate and pacified myself with whatever I could find.
It has taken me a few years to even see how sad and lonely I was then. When my husband's new job moved us to a new state, I made some changes....I sought fellowship, I latched onto the people around me, and I was getting the hang of motherhood (although, who EVER gets the hang of it fully?!).
But I still gravitated toward food....when my husband had a business trip, when the kids were extra whiny, when I was bored, when I was pregnant again (I mean, the baby's gotta eat, right??).
Even if everything had been perfect, I still would have sought out food.
I did this to myself, and I have to make the changes to remedy the situation. If I don't accept that this is MY deal, then how can I actually make a change? I mean, if it were my parents' fault or if my husband should shoulder some of the blame, then how can I make the change? My progress would be reliant on someone else fixing something. As it is, no one can do that. I have to.
And I have. I have spent time confessing my sins to God. I've been honest with myself (finally) and confessed to my strong, perfect, understanding Heavenly Father that even though He's always been there--on my most overwhelming days....on my lonely days....on the failure days--I've turned away from Him and looked to food to fill the emptiness. This process means that I'm repenting often and having lots of "trench" moments....lots of prayers from the pantry, asking God to help me to say no to myself. This process has been so much more spiritual than I ever would have thought. Who knew making better food choices and trying to exercise more would actually draw me close to God and make me examine my heart?
On the other side of confession, I have found that God really does love us in whatever state we are in. He's shown me SO MUCH over the past few months. And that is really what I'm doing here....telling what God has done. So, I wanted you to know where I've come from, so you can see what He's doing in where I am now.
16Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
17For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
18If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
19But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
20Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me.
Psalm 66
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